I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
