i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
