Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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