Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
