Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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