I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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