Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't put those talents on a resume
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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