He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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