He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
