just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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