i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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