is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Still dying that you shit outside
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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