Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
