You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
