Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
