yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
