I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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