Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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