i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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