I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Come see our sink grown plant.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
