see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
