see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
