Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
