So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
