ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
