if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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