Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
