Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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