he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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