i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
