i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
