I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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