i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Sober January is a disaster.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
