you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
