apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Less talking, more tequila
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
