watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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