i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
