My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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