I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
