Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
