i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
