you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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