My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
