I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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