Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
