I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
