Can i not drive my cunt home
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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