I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
