Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
