I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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