I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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